When I moved onto my narrowboat, my aim was to spend a year really enjoying it. To give myself the opportunity to explore my passions and joy for a whole year, without worrying about the financial side of things.
Except, life rarely ever goes as we plan it to. Instead, my head got in the way of things. Trying to live heavily off your savings for a couple of months, let alone for a year, isn’t very easy. Seeing your money disappear, while still developing ways to replace it, is unnerving at best.
Financially, I have enough money to see me through while I establish a new business. The back room of the boat, turned out to be a little more work than expected. In fact, other than the steel of the boat and existing electrics, everything was gutted from the room. So what went from a simple, change the furniture job. Turned into a change the walls, insulation, floor and remove large amounts of water job.
Which leaves me, with the concern of what else will end up costing me money unexpectedly over the next couple of years.
What also happened, after moving onto the boat, was that I missed having the purpose of work in my life. In particular, I wanted to write and to start connecting with others again. One of my best moments, was the purchase of a Chromebook. One charge of a couple of hours while the engine is running, and I have enough power on the laptop to last 10 hours. I could now write to my hearts content without the restriction of power requirements.
Yet, even with my new means of writing, I found the old enemy of overwhelm to be present still. Despite, finding joy and delight in writing, I tend to get bogged down with who to write for. What’s the purpose of my writing, who will it help, what type of blog should I publish it on? Who will read it and take offence from my own life?
The joy of writing, is being dragged down by my too many questions. Too much fear behind it, of feeling the need to write for my business to grow. There is so much focus on the material items, even though I know once I surrender to the bliss of joy, all those financial needs will be provided. I’ve seen it time and time again. When we let go of the fear, the joy of the universe comes through. When we live through our joys and passion, the money and material needs flow behind it.
At the beginning of the week, I realised how much I am just going through the motions lately. I am here on a physical level but many times I am missing the opportunities to take real pleasure in my life. I wake up each day on the beautiful canal, with the bird song and wildlife all around me. There is so much beauty living this close to nature and I risk missing out on it all.
I risk missing the opportunity to laugh and smile in the delight of my children. Instead of setting them up with things they enjoy and watching from the side, I want to take part with them. I want to be part of their play and let my imagination run away with me. To keep finding that inner child within myself.
So this week, I’ve been working with my coach to really help me flourish again. I need to move past the idea of doing everything alone. I am so used to being the sounding board for others, that I often feel like I don’t have the same opportunities. I can see the fears that motivate and hold other people back. I see what drives people, what stops them from stepping out of their comfort zones. I can often recognise in myself all those same qualities.
For myself, now is the time that I need to start having accountability. To give me a boost and a support system. To question me when I want to give up, or I find the next shiny thing to draw my attention away. I like to move from one thing to another. I love the joy of exploring new topics, being obsessed by my latest topic. What I want to really see in my life now is growth. To be able to see the beauty in something taking shape and staying with it long enough, to see the real joy and depth of it’s full potential.
This journal entry is one of the ideas that came out of that coaching session. A blog with a lose topic but lots of freedom to write within that. A journey to help me find my writing voice and to let the words come out. With no agenda behind it and a recognition of my year of finding more joy. There is no pressure to make anything from this. Whether I share it online or not is still my choice and there is no need to do it, other than my pure enjoyment and to watch my confidence grow. I hope that over the next year, each day I find a larger sense of joy and inner peace and within that, the words to share it.
Thank you for listening.