Since I was first introduced to computers and the internet, I’ve wanted to write. I taught myself at age 13 years old HTML so I could put together a basic site on divination. Later it became writing blogs about what was going on in my life. Yet I never managed to get far. I was put off by the idea of who was reading my blog. That I couldn’t share freely what was on my mind because I knew people offline that were reading it. I censored myself and caused myself to fail.
I was put off my writing, because I felt obligated to stay within self imposed guidelines. I felt like what I had to say, wasn’t worth reading. Each time I started a new blog and leaving it beyond, I was reinforcing this failure.
Many years later and I am returning to writing, much wiser and with a new knowledge of how to move past these fears. I have learnt more about being open and authentic. When I show up with who I am, it allows other people to show up as themselves to. When I’m worried about other people judging me, it allows me the opportunity to question why.
How childhood beliefs hold you back
Growing up I was often told that I didn’t finish anything. I was told repeatedly, when I explored a new subject and moved onto another. Or when I found that, what I thought I would enjoy, I didn’t. This message has travelled with me throughout my life. As an adult, I understand and accept this as part of myself. However, it’s not that I don’t finish anything. I love exploring new areas and topics, I love to expand my knowledge. To an outsider, this can appear that I don’t finish anything. Yet, it’s not the case at all. I take a topic or new interest and I learn lots about it, in a short period of time. Sometimes that becomes something I enjoy for many years and often times, it springboards me onto the next topic of interest. Sometimes, I just like to be able to say I tried something to know that I can do it, should I wish to.
There are likely many beliefs that you learnt in your childhood, that are secretively holding you back now as well. We learn the majority of our belief system, about ourselves and the world around us, by the age of 5 years old. We learn how to avoid conflict, whether it’s safe to show our feelings or whether there is enough to go around. Sometimes, we simply learn to survive and how to avoid conflict.
These beliefs, do not serve us an adults. If we were brought up with the belief that children were seen and not heard, then we often repeat this as adults. It could be that we have anxiety about talking in groups, or in front of others. It could be much more subtle, such as not feeling heard in our relationships. Yet without stepping outside of our comfort zone, sometimes these beliefs go unnoticed for many years. Be mindful of the doubts that you hear when you push yourself further. The messages you tell yourself when you are faced with a I can’t do that situation. These are echos of old beliefs and it’s your choice whether you continue to follow these or if you are ready to write new ones.
When your fears stop you from starting
For weeks I have been learning and absorbing information, learning more about blogging. I have watched some amazing videos for launching myself. I have been sidetracked in creating, more niche side products. Do I need to learn more about SEO? In addition, I have been exploring some of the reasons why I put things off. What fears do I have about success, what worries do I have about typing nonsense?
Yet what I haven’t been doing is sitting down and typing. I have avoided being wrong, by not starting at all! In my mind, I want to have all of the details worked out. I want to know whether I should write in the third person only and avoid writing about my personal feelings. Is it helpful to include my musings or does it come across as unprofessional?
This year I set the intention that work would be fun. That I wanted to find my voice and improve my skills, knowing that without starting I would never improve.
When procrastination is staring you in the face
This week I have been setting myself new intentions. That to stop worrying about doing things right and just to start. Then this morning I had a huge revolution. Recently the decision was taken that my oldest daughter, would return to home education, as school was not the best environment for her. Yet at home, she is reluctant to learn. She would much rather hide away playing games and avoiding getting anything wrong.
Then today, I realised. Her procrastination about starting, is merely a reflection of my procrastination about starting. You see, everyone around us is merely a reflection about what we believe about ourselves. I’ve been wanting to impose rules about how much school work she should be doing, rather than taking looking at why I created these worries in her. Her worries on the surface may not appear to the same as mine, but underneath they are exacting the same. It’s a fear about not being good enough.
By starting and working on my feelings of not being good enough, in turn I will heal the feelings within her of being good enough. She is a mirror of my worries and by healing myself, she will have the courage to step out too.
Is there a problem or worry you would like help with?
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